A Giant Leap and Some Zoomies

 So tonight a thing happened. 

I have to back up and give you the full story so you can have a better understanding of this "thing".

We recently obtained a baby shark (some would call him a puppy but his sharp teeth say otherwise). He's this black & white 10lb fur terroist that has stolen our hearts along with some of our flesh. We call him Louie. 

We have been a 2 dog family for almost 5 years, but last year our sweet boy, Max, gained his angel wings and now he's probably being put in timeouts in heaven just like he use to at doggie daycare, because he annoyed the other dogs too much. I am sure Jesus has his hands quite full. :) 

After Max passed, we decided to hold off on getting another dog right away because it was important to us that our younger dog, Sammy, who was 4 at the time, had our full attention. He was such a trooper when Max had cancer and often times took the back seat during Max's treatments, so we wanted to love on him and give him the attention he deserved. 

Over the course of the next 10 months, we watched as Sammy's personality soared. It's not that Max held Sammy back or anything, but Max was 6 years older than Sammy and he definitely led the pack. Sammy would follow Max around and do everything he did. Max led, and Sammy followed. With Max gone, Sammy had to find his own way and month after month, he started to blossom. His personality developed more and more and he became his own little being. Sammy went on vacations, stayed in hotels, went camping, took car rides, went to stores, and took ownership of his new castle and kingdom out here in the country. There is not one critter around that doesn't go running when Sammy takes flying leaps off our back deck! Sammy has arrived!

We knew eventually that we wanted to bring another dog into our home because Sammy truly loved his big brother and Max brought him so much joy and we wanted Sammy to have that again. With COVID happening, a move to another state was postponed and the pieces all fell into place to get a baby shark. 

Not everyone feels the way we do about our pets. They are like kids to us and we treat them as such and we care about their little feelings. We went back and forth if the timing was right and God just seemed to line everything up for us so the countdown to baby shark was on.

Our 9 week wait flew right by and it was time to bring the sharp toothed flat bottom pancake home to meet Sammy! We were a bit nervous (actually I was really nervous). We tried to think everything through as much as we could so that we could make this a happy and easy transition for our entire family. 

It was important to us that Sammy's daily routine stayed as much the same as it was possible; same feeding times, car rides, bed time routines, etc. We introduced the boys on neutral ground (not in the house) and there were only a few small growls at first. Over the next few days, the growls became less and less and each day there were more tail wags from Sammy. He seemed more interested in baby shark's toys more than anything, but he didn't seem bothered too much that he was here except for the occasional face lunging from baby shark. 

We were very careful about how they interacted because we didn't want Sammy to get bit and to get scared off. He had come so far over the past year and we didn't want his fun loving personality to retreat. On the flip side, we didn't want puncture wounds in baby shark either, so we were monitoring very closely and mainly keeping baby shark in his shark tank (aka puppy play pen). 

We were outside on our 3rd night together at dusk, trying to tire out baby shark before his 8pm bedtime (that would be wine o'clock for us parents). We have a 1/2 acre fenced in for the boys outside so they have lots of room to run and lots of areas to snack on poop in the backyard. We've been spending a ton of time outdoors, working on potty training for the puppy and getting all of his puppy energy out.

Usually when we are outside, Sammy patrols the yard, smelling and rolling on whatever stinky stuff he can find, and baby shark, who is attached to his 6' leash runs freely around the yard rolling, biting his leash, and chasing after my husband and I. Baby Shark ( whom we've named Louie) will chase Sammy around, but his short fat little legs don't take him very far, and Sammy is usually yards ahead of him, not even realizing there was a chase to begin with.

I was telling my husband, Colin, tonight, that I thought we needed to allow them to interact a little further now, even if there are growls and snap backs, because Louie needs to learn boundaries and Sammy needs to continue to set the tone of their relationship. 

At dusk, we were out in the backyard and Sammy was frog hunting on our back deck while Colin and I were giving chase to Louie around the yard. 

That is when the thing happened.

It was a glorious thing and one I will never forget. 

My husband and I were standing about 50 yards apart and Louie was racing in between us both when suddenly, out of nowhere, Sammy Supermaned it off the backdeck and the chase was on! Sammy started doing zoomies. 

Now, everyone's dog at some point does zoomies. If you don't know what zoomies are, it's when your dog loses it's ever loving mind and starts running as fast as it possibly can, butt usually tucked under, eyes wide open, with their mouth and teeth showing their udder delight. They run as fast as possible usually in large circles until they completely tire themselves out. 

The last time we had seen Sammy do zoomies was when his big brother Max was still here and before he was sick with cancer. Max and Sammy use to do zoomies in the backyard all the time, grass kicking up in the air behind them, eyes wide open, bearing grins of white teeth. But, we had not seen Sammy do zoomies in the backyard since then. 

Tonight, there was this glorious thing of zoomies happening all over again. As soon as Sammy's feet hit the green grass, it was on! He started doing zoomies right past Louie and then circled back to pass him again. It was as if he was saying "Hey little brother - look what I can do"! Sammy, with his butt tucked and teeth grin showing, was kicking up dirt and leaves as he zoomed past us and around Louie about 8 times. Louie didn't know what to do so he just ran in circles after his big brother. 

Sammy, with his flying leap off the deck, took a giant Superman leap into big brotherhood. He was no longer the little brother that followed; he was paving the way for newness. Sammy was setting the tone of their future relationship and he was raising the bar on brotherhood, just as his brother Max did with him.

It was such a beautiful thing. I will never forget it. The sun was setting and we could hear the Canadian Geese settling in the field for the night and then two dogs that were once strangers, became brothers. I have no doubt Max was looking down from his timeout spot in heaven and was probably beaming with pride. 

Sammy took a giant leap into big brotherhood and we can't wait to see what's in store for us all next.

xoxoxo,

Brenda

Finding Joy in the Weeds

Our farmer is harvesting wheat today. I swear I am like a kid that hears the ice cream truck; I go running outside waving like a lunatic at him and hoping he spots me so I can get a wave back (coincidentally, I do the same thing when I hear a small aircraft flying over the house). Even at 44, those little things bring me so much joy.

What are things that bring you joy? Maybe you find joy when indulging in the yummy flavors of ice cream at the Village Creamery in downtown Brooklyn. Maybe for you, your joy is found in casting a line at one of the many lakes in the Irish Hills area or flying a kite in the open fields in Grass Lake. If you are from Jackson, maybe your joy is found in visiting the dogs at Cascades Humane Society or in a COVID free world, it’s dining next to Iron Man at Klavon’s.

One of the places I find joy is in the tough stuff of life. I know! Remember, I am the waving lunatic. Perspective tends to drive my joy and there is no better time to find perspective and cling to it like a life raft than when we are in deep waters where our feet go beyond the safety of the shore. When I am going through the tough stuff of life, which I think we can all say to some point we are in the midst of right now, I cling to perspective and it’s in those dark times, where my joy usually resides.

One of those times for me was last year when my heart dog, Max, was diagnosed with cancer. Our world basically stopped as we shifted our focus from summer fun to research and treatments. We had 2 priorities. God and Max. I will never forget when joy slapped me in the face like a fly swatter last year as we went through this tough time as a family.

One early morning last summer I had gone out early when the grass was still wet to mow the lawn because I really wanted to get a head start before the hot weather came in so I jumped on orange julius (aka my zero turn tractor) and mowed my little heart out. Our lawn was way over due for a haircut. This time of year we usually have to cut it twice a week to avoid the dreaded big grass clumps and it had been at least 2 weeks since we did any yard work at all since we were so focused on research and treatments for our dog. Everything was overgrown and our lawn was more of a field of grass and wildflowers than nice turf. The grass was so tall I kept thinking I had ticks climbing up my shins and I'd do a little "tick dance" (aka flailing, screaming and jumping) as if I were being attacked. Alas, it was just tall grass and an overly excited and buggy imagination.

I put on my noise canceling headphones and tuned in to my favorite country radio station. That morning, the radio waves were a bit funky because I kept getting 2 radio stations at once. It was a mixture of country radio and a catholic morning church service so I'd hear, “Look what God gave her, How perfect He made her, She walks in the room, It's like He answered my prayers" and then, “united in the bond of the Lord, thanks be to God". It was entertaining to say the least.

It took me a few hours to mow that morning and then I took some time to trim back a huge tree that was making it impossible to pull safely out of our driveway. I filled the bird feeders that had gone empty and then grabbed my camera to get some shots of our property while everyone rested inside.

As I was walking around taking pictures, I noticed how everything had bloomed and had grown over the past 2 weeks. I had missed our Tiger Lillies blooming and hadn’t noticed our Black Eyed Susans making their summer entrance. As I walked around the property, it made me appreciate the wonderment of time. Before our dog, Max’s, diagnosis, I would spend time pruning & watering and being hopeful for things to bloom. Then, my focus changed and time still went by. Tick tock. Tick tock. The hours of the clock still moved. The numbers kept turning over and time continued on.

But, on this special day when I was outside, as I walked around and noticed how everything had grown, I also noticed how many weeds we had in our landscaping and in the flower beds. Normally, I would have totally freaked out. I don’t like weeds and I like things to look well maintained and crisp. But, on this day, my perspective was different.  I saw the empty bird’s nest where two doves were born and fledged just the day before. I saw Daisies in full bloom and gorgeous pink blooms on our Hydrangea bush.

On that day, I noticed that all around these gorgeous flowering plants were a crap ton of weeds, but today, I didn't see weeds. I saw time. I had been able to spend an immense amount of time caring for our 4 legged black and white heart dog and those weeds represent love, care, nurturing, laughter, tears (a lot of tears) and the greatest gift of all... time.

That day last year, those weeds added to the lustrous blooms, the over grown yet still lovely bushes, and the tall over grown grass and they reminded me of the precious minute by minute time that I have spent with my loved ones while those weeds took their time to grow. Tick tock. Minute by minute. It was all about perspective for me. When I found my perspective, I found my joy. When I found those weeds I found the joy that grew right there beside them.

There will always be tomorrow. Even in heaven I imagine there are tomorrows. Amidst COVID, stress at work, and amongst the weeds, there will always be joy to be found. There will always be tomorrow to pluck a weed, to tend to the lawn, to fight with someone on social media about wearing their mask. But today, let’s find our joy. Hold onto perspective my friends. Fly that kite. Cast that line. Eat some ice cream and find joy in the weeds.   

 xoxo,

Brenda

 

 

 

  

Frito Feet and the Run Across the Bridge

When I think of the rainbow bridge, I see a beautiful arch with 6 vibrant rainbow colors. It’s draped over the sky and in the foreground there is this bright white wooden bridge with railings on both sides that, at first, has a slight incline to it. Then, in the middle there is this long stretch where the dogs can pick up speed and then it ends with a steep decline so that when a dog crosses over it, they can take a flying superman leap into the green grass and wildflowers that lie just beyond. I imagine that when their padded Grinch Frito feet hit the ground, butterflies and birds burst into the air and the chase is on! From there, lots of leaping through tall grass and terrorizing squirrels and rabbits commence and the food….. Boy is there food. From the peanut butter stuffed chewies to cheeseburgers and chicken nuggets, to every kind of freeze dried meat possible – the dogs are loving it.

While our beloved dogs are whole, happy, and healed, and doing zoomies over the bridge, we are left behind grieving the loss of our furry family member. Research says that losing a beloved pet can be just as difficult as losing a family member or person that we loved.

According to the Official Journal of the Human Behavior and Evolution Study, “We forge bonds with our pups that are very comparable to the bonds we form with people. Our brains interpret these bonding activities in the same way; our bodies produce the exact same hormones when we bond with dogs as when we bond with people. This is why your pup begins to feel just like family to you. The same chemical processes are taking place that would if you were speaking to a person and in the case of losing a dog, you have to let go of a creature you have a deep bond with”.

 

I lost my heart dog, Max, last year. He fought a courageous battle with prostate cancer and gained his angel wings at 10 years old. Max was my little love. We don’t have kids and Max and his brother Sammy Lammington are like kids to us. They bring us joy, we hurt when they hurt, and they pretty much own us and run our lives and we wouldn’t have it any other way.

I did a lot of pre-grieving before Max passed away. I would find myself outside in our backyard crying my heart out to God, the deer and to the cranes in the surrounding wheat fields,  wondering how I was going to get through losing him. I didn’t know how. Max had been by my side for a quarter of my life after all and he had seen me through very difficult circumstances. He was my protector, my face licker-offer, and he was my constant shadow for a decade. I pre-grieved losing Max. I would make sure to shed my tears when I was alone so I didn’t upset him or Sammy and would escape to the bathroom or outside whenever I felt overwhelmed or just needed to let it out.

Pre-grieving or anticipatory grief is grief that occurs before death. I had never experienced this before and not everyone experiences anticipatory grief in this way. For the ones that do, they may find themselves on a roller coaster of emotions wondering how the death is going to occur or what to expect. They may find that they experience anxiety about what it is going to be like, and questioning how they are going to go on without their loved one. For me, this is what I experienced the most. I clung to my faith and that is how I was able to get through it but I remember there were days where I would need to focus hour by hour, and even minute by minute, to get through my anticipatory grief.

The thing with pets is sometimes we are dealt the hand of having to make the decision when that final day is going to be. Sometimes we have to help our beloved pet along to cross the rainbow bridge and it’s a decision unlike any other. Most of the time, with people, the decision is out of our hands. But with pets, many of us are left with making that final decision and it can be a difficult one.

One thing that really helped me when pre-grieving Max was being able to do special things that would allow me to remember him after he had passed. I made sure to cut off some of his beautiful black & white fur and tied it with a red ribbon as a keepsake. I put it in a baggy and it sits in my “Max treasure box” along with his favorite toys, puppy teeth and other treasures.

I did paw prints on canvas and took a mold of his nose which I had turned into a key chain so his crooked little nose goes with me everywhere. Something else I did was set up professional pictures to be taken of Max, Sammy, my husband and I so we had family pictures together. The last thing I made sure to do during my pre-grieving was to make sure that I told Max everything I wanted him to know.

I made sure Max knew everything. I told him how much I loved him (even though he heard it 12 million times a day) and I made sure to let him know exactly how he changed my life. I told him all the beautiful and wonderful things about him that I loved and how much I adored his crooked little nose, his black and white spots, and how much his silly personality brought me joy every single day for 3,738 days. I told him that I loved watching him sleep and twitch his eyes. I loved how he greeted me in the mornings with a wet kiss to start my day and how he moaned aloud whenever he wanted me to rub him. I let him know that I loved it when he would slam between my legs and stop short just so I could give him butt scratchies and how he’d stomped his feet when he was mad when I wasn’t giving in to his treat-threats. I let my Max know how he was the first to make me a mom and how he made me a better person.

It was in my anticipatory grief that I saw the beauty of God’s grace and the undeniable peace that surpassed all understanding. It was in those dark days where I didn’t know how I would go on that I found the strength and courage to face yet another day and to embrace the journey and find joy in my moments of pain. If and when you find yourself in those days, know that despite all the pain and grief, you can certainly find joy. The amazingly ridiculous and wonderful thing about having a pet is the fact that after all is said and done and they are bouncing through the grassy pastures over the bridge, we can remember that they were ours and we were theirs. Your unity didn’t happen by happenstance. The grief you feel is because there was a deep bond and love that many non-pet owners will never understand. I hope for you, that when you go through this, you allow yourself time to grieve. Remember to tell your beloved fur family member how much they have meant to you and if you think about it, cut some fur, do those paw prints, and remember the zoomies. Your grief means you loved deep and to me that means a life well lived. Run free Frito feet until we meet again.

 

 

The Waiting Room.......

In the middle of writing this book, God had me in the waiting room. Quite literally. Often times in life, we find ourselves in the waiting room; waiting on a prayer to be answered or waiting for something in life to happen or to see results. So, as we wrap up this devotional, I am going to share a piece of my journey and experience in hopes you can find comfort when you find yourself in the waiting room one day.

Get ready because I am about to talk about boobs. Yep. Boobs. I had my yearly mammogram while I was writing this book and it’s something I don’t take for granted and I make sure I get my routine screening every year (get your boobs squeezed ladies). I have had a few call backs in the past for lumps but this time, things were different. 

In this day and age, technology makes it convenient for us to order food through our phones, to upload videos and pics to the cloud in the matter of moments, and it allows us to get test results while standing in your kitchen while cooking dinner.

This is exactly what happened to me. I was burning.... errrrrr.... cooking dinner and noticed I had a voicemail that I had missed so I listened to it and it was a woman calling me back about my mammogram results. Of course, those calls usually aren't the greatest because your heart instantly drops through your butt because you know it can't be good. When I went to call the office, it was already closed for the day so with the convenience of technology, I logged into MyChart and was able to see my test results. 

As I stood at my kitchen counter with a spatula in hand, I read “7mm assemetry mass left breast”. Have you ever had the kind of experience where time seems to stand still and all noise is cancelled out and you almost feel like you are in this weird dark tunnel and fog? 

That is what it was like.

I'll be honest. My first reaction was not a great one. I instantly started balling my head off. I remember saying the words “No no no no no no no please no” several times and I put my head down on the counter and just cried. 

The year before we had went through a cancer diagnosis with our fur child (heart dog Max that I have talked about a ton in this book) and this year we are in the middle of a global pandemic while the world is amidst COVID-19, so we have been isolated from friends and family for months and are trying to cope with our current world situation and now this. I was instantly crushed and thought “How could this be happening”?!

I know many women get call backs; there are some women that get called back after every single mammogram and so many women in our world have been affected by breast cancer. But how could this be happening to me? I am just trying to cook some squash here.

The funny thing, because I always have to find humor in tough times, is that the week prior, before I even had my mammogram, I was thinking about how when bad things happen in our lives, often times, we yearn for the day before we found out the bad news. I remember when we found out Max had cancer, I yearned for the day before. I yearned for the days when we didn’t know he had cancer and when we didn’t know he was sick and dying; I yearned for those poop eating days where I'd chase off our other dog Sammy who ate poop directly from Max's butt like it was chocolate soft serve. I yearned for the day before and I wanted to find that peace again. 

Life is so simple before we lose our jobs, before the unexpected loss of a loved one, or before we find out in the middle of our kitchen that we have a 7mm mass in our breast.

I couldn’t call to make a new appointment for diagnostic testing until the next day and my husband was working so I couldn't tell him yet so the only other thing I could do was to pray. 

So, I started praying. 

After my first initial freakout full of tears, I felt like God said to me “Remember last year when you weren’t sure how you’d get through losing Max? Well I got you through that didn’t I?”

And He did.

God got me through a very difficult time the year before when I lost my heart dog to prostate cancer and He's gotten me through other tough times in life before. As a matter of fact, my track record for getting through tough stuff so far is 100% and I don't think God is going to start changing things now.

It’s crazy but while I was praying, I started feeling an immediate peace. The more I prayed and processed with God, the more peaceful I felt about this butthole of an intruder that was in my body. I didn't know if it was cancer but it was invading my space and it wasn't welcomed. 

I slept well that night partly thanks to ZQuil but mostly due to God’s peace. The next morning I woke up and before I could even make the call, the breast imaging center was calling me to make my appointment. Unfortunately the earliest appointment was going to be over a week out, which I was like “Hmph. That sucks. But alrighty then”. So I set my appointment and before I hung up, I asked the lady if she could put me on a cancellation list just in case someone cancelled. She softly chuckled and said “Sorry Brenda. We don’t really do cancellation lists because people don’t ever cancel appointments like this”. So with that, my appointment was for the following week.

I went in to let my husband know and within 60 seconds, my phone rang and it was the lady at the breast imagining center and she said “Brenda, you aren’t going to believe this but right after I got off the phone with you, my next phone call was someone cancelling their appointment for tomorrow. I swear this never happens.” All I could do was point to the sky and say “Thank you Jesus”. I have no doubt that was all God. 

I made my way into the bathroom to shower and get my day started and I was putting on my makeup listening to Pandora radio and the song “Waymaker” by Leeland came on.

I had only heard this song a few times before and I had honestly not really paid attention to the words.... until today.  I was really feeling the words that morning. If you have never heard of the song before the chorus lyrics go like this:

"Waymaker, miracle worker, promise keeper, light in the darkness, My God, that is who you are”.

The song just kept repeating that chorus over and over again and I soon found myself singing the words with my arms lifted to the heavens and crying my heart out to Jesus. Wet hair dripping, mascara now running down my face - I was worshiping to the God that created the stars and that knew my name. 

I knew right at that moment that even if my test results was cancer, that God would make good from it.

I had my God goggles on. Now remember, just 2 days prior when I read my test results online, I was not wearing my God goggles. I was steeped over my kitchen countertop crying into my flabby arms. But today, my God goggles were on and I knew that the place where fear meets faith is the place we flourish in our relationship with Jesus.

Fear screams the words “What If” while faith shouts “Even If” and I had experienced the peace that comes from “Even If”. I experienced it the year before when Max passed away and I was experiencing it now. 

After singing my heart out in my bathroom I walked into the living room to grab a t-shirt off my drying rack. A few weeks earlier I had hopped on one of my favorite Christian t-shirt websites and had ordered a few new t-shirts and I had just received them a few days earlier. I opened the bag they came in and just tossed all of them in my washing machine and then hung them on my drying rack to dry. I honestly didn’t even know which shirts I had ordered, bc I remember when I was ordering them online, I was really pressed for time. It was one of those times when my husband was ready to leave the house and he was waiting on me, standing there staring at me; his eyes burning holes in me and his foot tapping away, waiting for me to finish up my online order so instead of me taking my time I just starting clicking away and didn’t even pay attention to which t-shirts I ordered.

So as I went to pick a t-shirt from my drying rack, I grabbed this pretty teal colored shirt and slipped it over my head. When I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I realized what the words on my shirt read.

They read - “Waymaker, miracle worker, promise keeper, light in the darkness, my God, that is who you are”.

(Insert ugly crying here) I stood there in awe. I looked up and pointed to Jesus and said “I see you God”! 

How amazing is that!?

I continued on throughout the day feeling a peace that goes beyond understanding. With my God goggles on, I was reminded that sometimes God has us go through things in life so that we can show his glory. There are many people in the bible that God used (Paul, Job, and yes, even Judas) to show His glory. Others were able to see God’s power and good came from it. 

Although it’s hard, we need to count our experiences, even our really hard ones, a privilege. God is using us so that others can see Him and in our dark times, we have the opportunity to give our pain a purpose. We have the chance to shine God’s light through our cracks and we are able to comfort others through their pain when they experience a hard journey or difficult time.

The next morning I woke up refreshed and was ready for my appointment. Due to COVID-19, doctor appointments and visits were very different. Husbands and support people weren’t allowed to accompany you and it was limited people in waiting rooms so my husband was not allowed to come in with me.  Colin took the day off work and was going to drive me but he had to sit out in the car and wait (the car which would become his waiting room). 

I walked in and got checked in, and then, well..... I waited. 

I was in waiting room #1.

Normally when I have mammogram appts, I get in right away and they are usually on time but with diagnostic testing, you are at the liberty of special technicians and the others being tested prior to you. Due to COVID, I didn’t want to sit down or touch anything bc I am trying to be careful of germs so I stood near this display of foliage and waited. Ten minutes went by after my appointment time. 

I waited. 

Then, 20 minutes went by, and I continued to wait. 

We were now at 35 minutes past my appointment time and my back started hurting from the weight of my purse on my shoulder and I began shifting in my flip flops as I questioned my choice of shoes. 

COVID-19 has forced us all to wear masks in public so I was focusing on not touching my face or my mask and tried to not focus on how badly I wanted to itch my nose or wipe the snot that was now dripping from it. 

Why was it taking so long? 

Another 20 minutes ticked by and finally after an hour of waiting, they called my name. 

I have to admit, although a little nervous to get these diagnostics done, I felt relieved it was finally my turn.

When you are waiting in the waiting room, all sorts of things cross your mind. You get nervous for the tests themselves, wondering if they will be familiar to you or painful at all. Your mind races with “I wonder what the results will be?” all the while still wanting to rip off this face mask so you can just take in a deep breath that you so desperately want to take. 

The waiting room is usually a place where our patience is tested and our phones keep us busy for me today, I was just trying to keep my God goggles on and I was trying to stay focused on "Even If". 

After getting my clothes switched out, I went in for my first round of testing. I found comfort in the fact that it was the same machine they use on me during routine mammography tests bc that is what I was use to but the compression this time was slightly….. pinchy and way more uncomfortable. Any ladies out there know what I am talking about? 

The technician, kept asking me if I was ok as she dialed down the compression and I kept saying “Yes no problem” bc I wanted her to get the pictures she needed. With a deep breath in, I heard “Hold your breath” and then a bunch of normal familiar beeps, as the machine radiated my breast. A few more dial downs and squeezes, and we were finished and I was led into a different waiting room (waiting room #2) to wait for my results.

As I sat there, I kept on my God goggles. 

I knew that God had gotten me through so much the year prior and I kept reminding myself that it is a privilege to be used by God and that I wanted others to see him through my experience. Something good needed to come out of all this boob squeezing after all.

I was alone in the waiting room; there was no one else around. As I sat there the words “Waymaker, miracle worker, promise keeper, light in the darkness, my God, that is who you are” raced through my mind. 

I remembered the words “Even if” and clutched my purse as I sat there just waiting.

I texted my husband a few times to let him know my status and I was eager to find out my test results.

My technician soon came around the corner and I braced for the news when I heard her say, “We need to get additional testing done”, as she whisked me off to yet another waiting room (waiting room #3) where I would wait for an ultra sound to be done.

I sat there quietly in a room filled with other ladies that no doubt were there getting tests done just like I was and before my God googles had a chance to slip, I heard my name called and I was whisked away to another room. 

I walked in and saw the table where I would lie down and the ultrasound machine that would inevitably give me my fate. 

I laid down on the table and my technician began her work using her wand while I tried to make small chatter while listening to Luke Bryan in the background on the radio. It seemed like forever as I lied there listening to clicks and computer mouse noises as she moved the wand over this one particular area over and over again.

After about 10 minutes she was finished and then I heard these words come from her mouth.

“Can you just lie here and wait while I show your scans to the doctor? He may want to come in himself to do another scan and to discuss your next course of action” (waiting room #4).

WHAT!? 

What did you just say? Before I could even get words out of my mouth, she was out of the room. 

Everything was silent. Even Luke Bryan had shut his mouth and I heard nothing but my beating heart. 

My God goggles slipped. 

I sat up with my sticky flopped out boob and sat on the edge of the bed and starting taking fast quick breaths under my snotty sweaty mask.

In and out.

In and out.

What did she mean by course of action? 

Why would he have to come back in here and do the scan himself? 

How bad was it? 

What was she seeing and why wasn’t she just telling me? 

Was my initial scan wrong and did she find several more masses? 

Was it in my lymph nodes?

What is happening!!?

Before my God goggles completely fell off my face, I grabbed them, shoved them back on and held them there. 

I repeated to myself “Brenda, God is using you. Even if, he is right here and His glory is going to be seen through you if you only let it. Do not panic. You have gotten through tough things before and even if, God is still my waymaker. He is my 'miracle worker'. God is a 'promise keeper and he’s my light in darkness and He is my God. That is who he is!'

God goggles ON and activated.

I’ve got this but more importantly, I knew God had this. I sat there wishing my husband was in the room with me and thought about how screwed up this whole COVID-19 was that others have to go through this alone, too and then I thought of all the people that have died without their families by their sides. This is such a tough time in the history of our world and people are…….. BOOM! 

The door flies open and in walks my technician. No doctor by her side. She was alone.

I will never forget the words she spoke next. 

“You have a cluster of cysts grouped together. You are fine. We will monitor.”

I was in shock. 

I was so happy! 

I was so relieved! 

I just wanted to get out of that hospital and rip this mask off my face so I could breathe. 

I was so grateful and the first words that came out of my mouth were "Thank God"! 

As I walked down the long hallway, I passed each waiting room I had been in. Looking in on each one, I saw myself sitting there, clutching my purse with my God goggles on. 

I was so grateful for my test results but more grateful for what God had shown me over the past 3 days.

As I walked to my car to drench my hands in hand sanitizer and to tell my husband the good news, I thought about this whole experience. 

I was grateful for it. 

Even more so than the great test results and news, I was grateful God was with me every step of the way and I was grateful for how he grew me during this experience.

Often times we yearn for the “day before”. We want to go back to the day before we knew of bad news where life was just peaceful. 

I think the true test of being a Christ follower is yearning for the "day after". Those moments when God shows you who He is, even if it means going through tough times and experiences to get us there. 

If we can yearn for the "day after" as much as we yearn for the "day before" we will see Jesus in a whole new light. When we put on our God goggles and give purpose to our pain and point others towards Jesus, that is the testament of a life well lived. We allow God to use the "day after" to shape us and mold us and guide us as we move forward. 

May we yearn for that closeness. May we yearn for the peace that we can only get from God when we are beyond the safety of the shore and in deep water where our feet can’t touch and may we yearn for the "day after". 

It’s then, and only then, where God takes our relationship with him and where it flourishes. God can use our waiting room and turn it into something far better and greater than what it is you are actually waiting for if we only let him.

Let's live for the "day after" my friends. 

My Skin Care Routine

So here is the info you've been waiting for!!!!

I know you have been on the edge of your seat!!!!

All the details of my new skin care regime!

Below are the products I ordered.

They may or may not work out for me.

I am being realistic and open to the fact that my skin may fight back and not like them so we will see!!

I will use the charcoal cleansing bar first for a few days and see how my skin likes it and then move on to the day cream from there.

The worst thing you can do is buy a bunch of new product and put it all on at once, bc if you have flare ups or if your face gets irritated, you won't really know which product is doing it.

I ordered a few different products from Crunchi.

Here they are:

Crunchi Charcoal Facial Bar: $24

Crunchi Daylight Facial Cream: $48

Crunchi NightLight Facial Cream: $54 

Once my goodies arrive, I am going to write down the day I started using them to see how long they will last. I want to know what the cost breaks down is going to be.

Then I ordered a Detoxifying mask from TruSelf Organics.

Here are those details:

TruSelf Organics Detoxifying Mask: $19

I am going to try all of this out for a few weeks to see how my skin likes it all. 

I will definitely keep you all posted and then let you know what I decide as I transition on to changing out my cosmetics, cleaners, and other household and personal items!

xoxoxo,

Brenda

You Care! I Care! Let's Talk ABout Skin Care! -Part 4

In my last post I shared with you all a lot of what I learned when it comes to the toxins and chemicals we should look out for in our skin care and also cosmetics. 

In this post, I want to share with you my top picks for ME for skincare and the line I am going to try first.

I say first because skin care is a VERY personalized thing. One size does NOT fit all.

You can choose a clean organic cruelty free vegan line of skin care and it still may not work on your skin. So it's important to go into a new skin care regime understanding that and knowing that you may need to adjust, switch, and change up items and/or brands, depending on the products work on your skin.

It doesn't mean that if it doesn't work with your skin, that the line sucks - it just means you may have sensitive skin to some of the ingredients, which is ok.

I would recommend NOT ordering a full line from 1 particular company right away.

I would order 1 item, use it for a week, see how it works with your skin and if you like the feel and results, and then if you do, move on to ordering another product from that line. This will help you with refunds/returns and not getting frustrated with spending money.

Also, there is NOTHING wrong with using one product from one line and another product from another line. Just remember to look at the ingredients list.


*Side Note: Something I did look at with all of the lines I researched was to look at their return policy. I found that newer companies and lines are more reluctant to give full refunds simply bc they are NEW and may not be able to absorb the cost. This doesn't mean they suck. It is something all brands I am sure go through when launching so just be aware of what the return policy is.

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My top picks for clean skin care lines are:


1. Crunchi - Crunchi is a toxin free, cruelty free (Leaping Bunny approved) line of cosmetics and skin care. 

Their mission statement straight from their website is "we have set a new standard for cosmetic safety." They are a "revolutionary line of high performance, safe, and toxin-free cosmetics that are redefining beauty."

Their products are made with a "combination of safe, certified-organic, and EcoCert ingredients. and their products contain 70% certified organic ingredients."

Their stance on toxic ingredients is that they simply won't use them. On their website, they even have a Black List of ingredients that they are commmitted to never using in their products.

Their return policy: In store credit ONLY

100% of Crunchi cosmetics are manufactured in the USA.

*They do not use Japanese Honeysuckle - "An antimicrobial preservative used in natural cosmetic products. The Japanese honeysuckle plant naturally contains para-hydroxy benzoic acid (PHBA), which might behave in a very similar way to synthetic parabens (see Parabens) which themselves may mimic estrogen and act as potential hormone (endocrine) system disruptors."

*They do not use Grapefruit Seed Extracts - "An antimicrobial preservative used in cosmetic products. Numerous tests by independent researchers have shown that its antimicrobial properties are due to synthetic preservatives contained in it, not the extract itself. The synthetic preservatives found in GSE include benzalkonium chloride, triclosan, or methylparaben, which are all on our Blacklisted Ingredients list due to toxicity concerns."



2. 100% Pure - 100% Pure is a skin care and cosmetic line that is toxin free and cruelty free (Leaping Bunny approved).

Their mission statement is "We are committed to producing the purest, healthiest products and educating everyone on why being 100% Pure is so important. We strive to live with compassion, kindness, and empathy; to be environmentally sustainable."

All of 100% Pure products adhere to purity standards and do not contain harsh or toxis ingredients. Their pigments are sourced from vegetables, teas, fruits, and cocoa to avoid toxins and heavy metal dyes.

Their return policy: They have a 100% satisfaction guarantee. You can return products within 45 days, even if it is partially used, for store credit or a full refund.

Most of 100% Pure products are manufactured in the USA. There are a few product categories that they decided to manufacture abroad since they found the production quality and ingredient sourcing for those items are superior at other manufacturers. These products include:

BB Cream - Made in Italy
Pencil Eye Liners - Made in Germany
Multi-Vitamin + Antioxidants Ultra Riche PM Treatment - Made in Canada
Vegetable Cellulose Masks - Made in China (cruelty-free still!)
Sheet Masks- Made in Korea

*They do use Japanese Honeysuckle & Grapefruit seed extract in some of their products

Bonus: They have a rewards program

Another Bonus: For every order that is placed through 100% Pure, they donate meals to dogs in shelters.

3. TruSelf Organics - TruSelf Organics is an Organic, GMO free, cruelty free (Leaping Bunny Certified) line of skin care. 

Their mission is "no bad stuff including no colorants, artificial fragrances, parabens or harmful chemicals. All of our products are vegan or vegetarian and we never test on animals." 

All products are made in the USA.

Refund Policy: You can return your products within 30 days for a full refund

TruSelf Organics are Leaping Bunny Certified

*Bonus - They have a rewards program

A few other brands that peeked my interest were:

-Young Living
-Sabbatical Beauty
-Beauty Counter

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A few websites and pages that REALLY helped me with my research were the following:

1. EWG (Environmental working group)- This page gives average ratings on cosmetics and skin care looking at the ingredients used. It gives a rating of 1-10 (with 10 being the worst). You can plug in a brand or product name and see how it rates.

Thank you Amy Pluth and Wendy Burkhardt for telling me about this page!

https://www.ewg.org/skindeep


2. Empowered Healthy and Beauty - This page is ran by my friend Wendy and she does an excellent job with education about everyday toxins associate with personal care routines, food, and home living. Wendy has helped me so much through this process and living a toxin free lifestyle is a true passion of hers.

Check out her page at: https://www.facebook.com/search/top/?q=empowered%20health%20and%20beauty%F0%9F%8C%B1&epa=SEARCH_BOX

Whatever you decide you are going to do for skin care, I would say that the most important thing to look for are the ingredients and secondly, and maybe just as important, is your commitment to using your products and keeping your skin clean.

We can go to the grocery store and buy the healthiest foods out there but if they just sit in our fridge and cupboards and we never eat them, they are doing us no good.

The same goes for your skin care routine. You have to be committed to it. 

I hope these past few posts have helped you or at least peeked your interest to look into starting a new skin care routine or maybe checking out what is in your line or investigating new lines that work for you.

I will keep you all updated about what I try, how it works, and what works best for me!

Thanks for following along with me on my skin care journey!


xoxoxo,

Brenda

You Care! I Care! Let's Talk About Skin Care! -Part 3

2020 is the year! This is the year I focus on taking care of me.

That doesn't mean Colin and our dog Sammy have to fend for themselves 😂.....

It just means I am going to work on all the things I have pushed to the back burner.

Skin care is #1 on my list! Second on my list is looking at all of our cleaning products and moving towards "clean & toxin free" cleaning agents.

After that, I want to look into personal care items such as deodorant, hair color, shampoo, etc. All things that soak into and affect our bodies.

The other thing I want to focus on this year is my physical health. I want to lose weight that I have been carrying around with me for years (because I love food) but even more than that, I want to get healthy for myself.

I want to improve my gut health bc I know what goes into my body has a lot to do with my skin issues.

Back in 2017 through 2018, my husband and I focused on emotional healing and improving our mental health because we had left a pretty toxic environment from a church so I personally spent a lot of time healing from many things and investing in my mental health and it was a HUGE thing for me! Sometimes you never really know how toxic an environment is for you until you leave it and step back and it can be such a blessing!

So I am taking that same approach now with my skin care and physical health.

I dove right in this month with researching skin care.

The first thing that was important to me was finding cruelty free companies.

I am an animal lover (as if you couldn't already tell) and I don't want to purchase skin care (or cosmetics) from lines that test on animals (yes I eat meat - let's save that debate for another time 😂 )

So I dove in and started researching skin care lines that were cruelty free.

As I was researching, I didn't really know what else I was looking for in my skin care (besides being cruelty free) so I was very open to suggestions from friends and others. I created a post on FB to see what everyone else was using and then I googled "Best Skin Care Lines 2019", hoping to find a few to pick from.

The more research I did (which holy crap, there is so much to research and look at when it comes to skin care) I started realizing that I needed to narrow down my scope besides being cruelty free bc there are so so many skin care lines out there and it was starting to get seriously overwhelming let alone this process would take me forever.

I started asking myself what was important to me and I knew that getting rid of toxins in make-up and our household cleaners has been a goal of mine.

Also, this past year, Max's cancer diagnosis had opened my eyes to the toxins in our foods and I made a big effort to switch us over to organic foods. Also, the past few years I had done so much work with getting rid of toxic people in my life, so why not go further with getting rid of toxins that I put on my skin, that get absorbed into my bloodstream, and that can affect my health and my family's health?

So I started researching clean skin care lines.

Side note: I am listening to "World News Tonight with David Miur" right now while I am working on this blog and he just had a story on about the toxins in sunscreen 😳

As I started researching clean skin care lines these are a few things that I questioned bc I had no idea where to start. I learned a ton and I thought it would be easier for you if I just wrote down what some of my questions were and the answers I got from my research.

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Questions I asked and things I learned:

What makes a skin care line "clean"? This question can go pretty deept but I would summarize a clean skin care line being one that avoids using toxic ingredients, that sources ingredients responsibly, and that keeps the environment in mind.

What toxins should you avoid in skin care? Oh boy. There are so many. If I had to take the top ingredients you should avoid it would be these. I call them the dirty dozen:

Parabens (Methyl, Butyl, Ethyl, Propyl): Parabens are preservatives. If paraben is in the word, you should avoid it. Parabens may contribute to hormonal imbalance and in some studies, research shows that some breast cancer tumors contained 99% parabens.

Phthalates: This is a chemical that is used to increase flexibility and strength of plastics. Names to look for on the ingredient list are: DPB, DEP, or DEHP. Like parabens, phthalates are endocrine disruptors and can cause hormonal and reproductive problems and birth defects.

Polyethylene Glycol or PEG: This ingredient is used as a thickner. The problem with this ingredient is  the process to create PEGs involves using ethylene oxide and 1.4-dioxane; both which are substances that are strong pollutants.  

Formaldehyde: This is a preservative and known carcinogen. It is used in buiding materials and is used in many household products. It has been linked to asthma, neurotoxicity, and developmental toxicity.

Mineral Oil: A petroleum by-product that coats the skin like plastic and clogs pores. This ingredient is very harmful bc it doesn't allow the skin to eliminate toxins. There is sufficient evidence in humans for the carcinogenicity of untreated mineral oils. Untreated mineral oils (or even mildly treated mineral oil) can cause skin cancer.   

Siloxanes: It is used to soften, moisten, and smooth. Look for words ending in "siloxane" or "methicone". It's an endocrine disruptor and reproductive toxin. It is harmful to fish and wildlife so why would it not be harmful to us.

Propylene Glycol (PG): This is found in thousands of cosmetics and in processed foods. It is also a common ingredient in E-Cigs and is an ingredient in anti-freeze and paint. The FDA says it is "generally safe". Research shows if exposed to the eyes and facial areas, PG can cause irritation and cause mild conjunctivitis. It is also potentially toxis to our kidneys and liver. It is not safe for infants or pregnant women.

Triclosan: This is a synthetic anti-bacterial agent once used in anti-bacterial soap. In 2016, it was banned from soap using in health-care settings but it is still used in skin care and cosmetics. This is an endocrine disruptor and studies show it contributes to gut inflammation. In studies with mice it has also promoted tumor growth. It may disrupt thyroid function as well.

Sodium Lauryl Sulfate (SLS) or Sodium Laureth Sulfate (SLES): These are foaming agents used in a ton of products. They are surfactants that can cause skin irritation or trigger allergies.

Artificial or Synthetic Frangrance: Companies and manufacturers are not required to revea what is in their fragrances so a lot of times you will just see "Fragrance" on the ingredient list. There could be hundreds of different ingredients and toxins that fall under "Fragrance" which could be full of carcinogens, allergens, endocrine disruptors and other irritants.

I decided to add in one more ingredient to my list (which makes this more of a Baker's Dozen List!) because it is bad bad bad.

Talc: Talc or Talcum powder is in the same family as asbestos. Research has linked talc to ovarian cancer and is believed to be a lung irritant and carcinogen.


The scary thing is I only named 13 and there are so many more!! 


Heavy Metals to avoid: Lead, Mercury, Arsenic, and Aluminum (just to name a few).


What terms or phrases are regulated? Lack of regulation is a huge issue in cosmetics and skin care. There is close to zero federal regulation on cosmetics and skin care in the U.S. and the FDA only regulates certain things like false advertising or branding. One study I found said that there are over 1,300 chemicals banned in Eurpoean countries due to being unsafe and in the U.S. only 11 of those chemicals are banned. 😳

Another SHOCKING fact about no regulation: The word "Natural" means NOTHING when it comes to cosmetics or skin care. It is a marketing ploy to make you think it is good for you. The word "Natural" in skin care or cosmetics is not regulated at all which means a product that says "Natural" on it can have as many toxins in it as it wants. There are no regulations.

When it comes to cosmetics and skin care, the ONLY way for you to know that you are using a toxin free line is by doing research yourself and reading ingredients (but don't be fooled bc companies can pull the wool over your eyes here, too. Some companies only list "key ingredients" so they don't have to tell you all the other crap they are putting in your skin care. Other companies may list "fragrance" in their ingredients but they could be using hundreds (literally hundreds) of toxic ingredients and shove it under the term "frangrance". You would never know.

So as I was doing my research and coming across all of these toxins and ingredients I should avoid, I started coming across skin care lines that I liked.

When looking at skin care lines I looked at:

-Ingredients first and foremost
-Where they source their ingredients from
-Organic ingredients (this was not a MUST have for me but I prefer it)
-Consistency with ingredients
-Cruelty Free (Leaping Bunny Approved is even better for me)
-Packaging (whether they are green)
-The "Our Story" part of the company. Who are they? What is their mission? The why.
-I looked at pricing but honestly it was the last thing on my list


Again, there is so much research to do and I probably have over 60 hours of research done on both ingredients and lines so I am hoping I can help you through this blog.

Remember, knowing the dirt will help you stay away from the dirt. 

In my next post I will share a few of my top skin care lines with you all and let you know a FB page that has really helped me along with what I am going to use.


Thanks for joining me on this skin care journey!

xoxoxo,
Brenda