The Waiting Room.......

In the middle of writing this book, God had me in the waiting room. Quite literally. Often times in life, we find ourselves in the waiting room; waiting on a prayer to be answered or waiting for something in life to happen or to see results. So, as we wrap up this devotional, I am going to share a piece of my journey and experience in hopes you can find comfort when you find yourself in the waiting room one day.

Get ready because I am about to talk about boobs. Yep. Boobs. I had my yearly mammogram while I was writing this book and it’s something I don’t take for granted and I make sure I get my routine screening every year (get your boobs squeezed ladies). I have had a few call backs in the past for lumps but this time, things were different. 

In this day and age, technology makes it convenient for us to order food through our phones, to upload videos and pics to the cloud in the matter of moments, and it allows us to get test results while standing in your kitchen while cooking dinner.

This is exactly what happened to me. I was burning.... errrrrr.... cooking dinner and noticed I had a voicemail that I had missed so I listened to it and it was a woman calling me back about my mammogram results. Of course, those calls usually aren't the greatest because your heart instantly drops through your butt because you know it can't be good. When I went to call the office, it was already closed for the day so with the convenience of technology, I logged into MyChart and was able to see my test results. 

As I stood at my kitchen counter with a spatula in hand, I read “7mm assemetry mass left breast”. Have you ever had the kind of experience where time seems to stand still and all noise is cancelled out and you almost feel like you are in this weird dark tunnel and fog? 

That is what it was like.

I'll be honest. My first reaction was not a great one. I instantly started balling my head off. I remember saying the words “No no no no no no no please no” several times and I put my head down on the counter and just cried. 

The year before we had went through a cancer diagnosis with our fur child (heart dog Max that I have talked about a ton in this book) and this year we are in the middle of a global pandemic while the world is amidst COVID-19, so we have been isolated from friends and family for months and are trying to cope with our current world situation and now this. I was instantly crushed and thought “How could this be happening”?!

I know many women get call backs; there are some women that get called back after every single mammogram and so many women in our world have been affected by breast cancer. But how could this be happening to me? I am just trying to cook some squash here.

The funny thing, because I always have to find humor in tough times, is that the week prior, before I even had my mammogram, I was thinking about how when bad things happen in our lives, often times, we yearn for the day before we found out the bad news. I remember when we found out Max had cancer, I yearned for the day before. I yearned for the days when we didn’t know he had cancer and when we didn’t know he was sick and dying; I yearned for those poop eating days where I'd chase off our other dog Sammy who ate poop directly from Max's butt like it was chocolate soft serve. I yearned for the day before and I wanted to find that peace again. 

Life is so simple before we lose our jobs, before the unexpected loss of a loved one, or before we find out in the middle of our kitchen that we have a 7mm mass in our breast.

I couldn’t call to make a new appointment for diagnostic testing until the next day and my husband was working so I couldn't tell him yet so the only other thing I could do was to pray. 

So, I started praying. 

After my first initial freakout full of tears, I felt like God said to me “Remember last year when you weren’t sure how you’d get through losing Max? Well I got you through that didn’t I?”

And He did.

God got me through a very difficult time the year before when I lost my heart dog to prostate cancer and He's gotten me through other tough times in life before. As a matter of fact, my track record for getting through tough stuff so far is 100% and I don't think God is going to start changing things now.

It’s crazy but while I was praying, I started feeling an immediate peace. The more I prayed and processed with God, the more peaceful I felt about this butthole of an intruder that was in my body. I didn't know if it was cancer but it was invading my space and it wasn't welcomed. 

I slept well that night partly thanks to ZQuil but mostly due to God’s peace. The next morning I woke up and before I could even make the call, the breast imaging center was calling me to make my appointment. Unfortunately the earliest appointment was going to be over a week out, which I was like “Hmph. That sucks. But alrighty then”. So I set my appointment and before I hung up, I asked the lady if she could put me on a cancellation list just in case someone cancelled. She softly chuckled and said “Sorry Brenda. We don’t really do cancellation lists because people don’t ever cancel appointments like this”. So with that, my appointment was for the following week.

I went in to let my husband know and within 60 seconds, my phone rang and it was the lady at the breast imagining center and she said “Brenda, you aren’t going to believe this but right after I got off the phone with you, my next phone call was someone cancelling their appointment for tomorrow. I swear this never happens.” All I could do was point to the sky and say “Thank you Jesus”. I have no doubt that was all God. 

I made my way into the bathroom to shower and get my day started and I was putting on my makeup listening to Pandora radio and the song “Waymaker” by Leeland came on.

I had only heard this song a few times before and I had honestly not really paid attention to the words.... until today.  I was really feeling the words that morning. If you have never heard of the song before the chorus lyrics go like this:

"Waymaker, miracle worker, promise keeper, light in the darkness, My God, that is who you are”.

The song just kept repeating that chorus over and over again and I soon found myself singing the words with my arms lifted to the heavens and crying my heart out to Jesus. Wet hair dripping, mascara now running down my face - I was worshiping to the God that created the stars and that knew my name. 

I knew right at that moment that even if my test results was cancer, that God would make good from it.

I had my God goggles on. Now remember, just 2 days prior when I read my test results online, I was not wearing my God goggles. I was steeped over my kitchen countertop crying into my flabby arms. But today, my God goggles were on and I knew that the place where fear meets faith is the place we flourish in our relationship with Jesus.

Fear screams the words “What If” while faith shouts “Even If” and I had experienced the peace that comes from “Even If”. I experienced it the year before when Max passed away and I was experiencing it now. 

After singing my heart out in my bathroom I walked into the living room to grab a t-shirt off my drying rack. A few weeks earlier I had hopped on one of my favorite Christian t-shirt websites and had ordered a few new t-shirts and I had just received them a few days earlier. I opened the bag they came in and just tossed all of them in my washing machine and then hung them on my drying rack to dry. I honestly didn’t even know which shirts I had ordered, bc I remember when I was ordering them online, I was really pressed for time. It was one of those times when my husband was ready to leave the house and he was waiting on me, standing there staring at me; his eyes burning holes in me and his foot tapping away, waiting for me to finish up my online order so instead of me taking my time I just starting clicking away and didn’t even pay attention to which t-shirts I ordered.

So as I went to pick a t-shirt from my drying rack, I grabbed this pretty teal colored shirt and slipped it over my head. When I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I realized what the words on my shirt read.

They read - “Waymaker, miracle worker, promise keeper, light in the darkness, my God, that is who you are”.

(Insert ugly crying here) I stood there in awe. I looked up and pointed to Jesus and said “I see you God”! 

How amazing is that!?

I continued on throughout the day feeling a peace that goes beyond understanding. With my God goggles on, I was reminded that sometimes God has us go through things in life so that we can show his glory. There are many people in the bible that God used (Paul, Job, and yes, even Judas) to show His glory. Others were able to see God’s power and good came from it. 

Although it’s hard, we need to count our experiences, even our really hard ones, a privilege. God is using us so that others can see Him and in our dark times, we have the opportunity to give our pain a purpose. We have the chance to shine God’s light through our cracks and we are able to comfort others through their pain when they experience a hard journey or difficult time.

The next morning I woke up refreshed and was ready for my appointment. Due to COVID-19, doctor appointments and visits were very different. Husbands and support people weren’t allowed to accompany you and it was limited people in waiting rooms so my husband was not allowed to come in with me.  Colin took the day off work and was going to drive me but he had to sit out in the car and wait (the car which would become his waiting room). 

I walked in and got checked in, and then, well..... I waited. 

I was in waiting room #1.

Normally when I have mammogram appts, I get in right away and they are usually on time but with diagnostic testing, you are at the liberty of special technicians and the others being tested prior to you. Due to COVID, I didn’t want to sit down or touch anything bc I am trying to be careful of germs so I stood near this display of foliage and waited. Ten minutes went by after my appointment time. 

I waited. 

Then, 20 minutes went by, and I continued to wait. 

We were now at 35 minutes past my appointment time and my back started hurting from the weight of my purse on my shoulder and I began shifting in my flip flops as I questioned my choice of shoes. 

COVID-19 has forced us all to wear masks in public so I was focusing on not touching my face or my mask and tried to not focus on how badly I wanted to itch my nose or wipe the snot that was now dripping from it. 

Why was it taking so long? 

Another 20 minutes ticked by and finally after an hour of waiting, they called my name. 

I have to admit, although a little nervous to get these diagnostics done, I felt relieved it was finally my turn.

When you are waiting in the waiting room, all sorts of things cross your mind. You get nervous for the tests themselves, wondering if they will be familiar to you or painful at all. Your mind races with “I wonder what the results will be?” all the while still wanting to rip off this face mask so you can just take in a deep breath that you so desperately want to take. 

The waiting room is usually a place where our patience is tested and our phones keep us busy for me today, I was just trying to keep my God goggles on and I was trying to stay focused on "Even If". 

After getting my clothes switched out, I went in for my first round of testing. I found comfort in the fact that it was the same machine they use on me during routine mammography tests bc that is what I was use to but the compression this time was slightly….. pinchy and way more uncomfortable. Any ladies out there know what I am talking about? 

The technician, kept asking me if I was ok as she dialed down the compression and I kept saying “Yes no problem” bc I wanted her to get the pictures she needed. With a deep breath in, I heard “Hold your breath” and then a bunch of normal familiar beeps, as the machine radiated my breast. A few more dial downs and squeezes, and we were finished and I was led into a different waiting room (waiting room #2) to wait for my results.

As I sat there, I kept on my God goggles. 

I knew that God had gotten me through so much the year prior and I kept reminding myself that it is a privilege to be used by God and that I wanted others to see him through my experience. Something good needed to come out of all this boob squeezing after all.

I was alone in the waiting room; there was no one else around. As I sat there the words “Waymaker, miracle worker, promise keeper, light in the darkness, my God, that is who you are” raced through my mind. 

I remembered the words “Even if” and clutched my purse as I sat there just waiting.

I texted my husband a few times to let him know my status and I was eager to find out my test results.

My technician soon came around the corner and I braced for the news when I heard her say, “We need to get additional testing done”, as she whisked me off to yet another waiting room (waiting room #3) where I would wait for an ultra sound to be done.

I sat there quietly in a room filled with other ladies that no doubt were there getting tests done just like I was and before my God googles had a chance to slip, I heard my name called and I was whisked away to another room. 

I walked in and saw the table where I would lie down and the ultrasound machine that would inevitably give me my fate. 

I laid down on the table and my technician began her work using her wand while I tried to make small chatter while listening to Luke Bryan in the background on the radio. It seemed like forever as I lied there listening to clicks and computer mouse noises as she moved the wand over this one particular area over and over again.

After about 10 minutes she was finished and then I heard these words come from her mouth.

“Can you just lie here and wait while I show your scans to the doctor? He may want to come in himself to do another scan and to discuss your next course of action” (waiting room #4).

WHAT!? 

What did you just say? Before I could even get words out of my mouth, she was out of the room. 

Everything was silent. Even Luke Bryan had shut his mouth and I heard nothing but my beating heart. 

My God goggles slipped. 

I sat up with my sticky flopped out boob and sat on the edge of the bed and starting taking fast quick breaths under my snotty sweaty mask.

In and out.

In and out.

What did she mean by course of action? 

Why would he have to come back in here and do the scan himself? 

How bad was it? 

What was she seeing and why wasn’t she just telling me? 

Was my initial scan wrong and did she find several more masses? 

Was it in my lymph nodes?

What is happening!!?

Before my God goggles completely fell off my face, I grabbed them, shoved them back on and held them there. 

I repeated to myself “Brenda, God is using you. Even if, he is right here and His glory is going to be seen through you if you only let it. Do not panic. You have gotten through tough things before and even if, God is still my waymaker. He is my 'miracle worker'. God is a 'promise keeper and he’s my light in darkness and He is my God. That is who he is!'

God goggles ON and activated.

I’ve got this but more importantly, I knew God had this. I sat there wishing my husband was in the room with me and thought about how screwed up this whole COVID-19 was that others have to go through this alone, too and then I thought of all the people that have died without their families by their sides. This is such a tough time in the history of our world and people are…….. BOOM! 

The door flies open and in walks my technician. No doctor by her side. She was alone.

I will never forget the words she spoke next. 

“You have a cluster of cysts grouped together. You are fine. We will monitor.”

I was in shock. 

I was so happy! 

I was so relieved! 

I just wanted to get out of that hospital and rip this mask off my face so I could breathe. 

I was so grateful and the first words that came out of my mouth were "Thank God"! 

As I walked down the long hallway, I passed each waiting room I had been in. Looking in on each one, I saw myself sitting there, clutching my purse with my God goggles on. 

I was so grateful for my test results but more grateful for what God had shown me over the past 3 days.

As I walked to my car to drench my hands in hand sanitizer and to tell my husband the good news, I thought about this whole experience. 

I was grateful for it. 

Even more so than the great test results and news, I was grateful God was with me every step of the way and I was grateful for how he grew me during this experience.

Often times we yearn for the “day before”. We want to go back to the day before we knew of bad news where life was just peaceful. 

I think the true test of being a Christ follower is yearning for the "day after". Those moments when God shows you who He is, even if it means going through tough times and experiences to get us there. 

If we can yearn for the "day after" as much as we yearn for the "day before" we will see Jesus in a whole new light. When we put on our God goggles and give purpose to our pain and point others towards Jesus, that is the testament of a life well lived. We allow God to use the "day after" to shape us and mold us and guide us as we move forward. 

May we yearn for that closeness. May we yearn for the peace that we can only get from God when we are beyond the safety of the shore and in deep water where our feet can’t touch and may we yearn for the "day after". 

It’s then, and only then, where God takes our relationship with him and where it flourishes. God can use our waiting room and turn it into something far better and greater than what it is you are actually waiting for if we only let him.

Let's live for the "day after" my friends.